no mor(e)teen

24th aug' 07

This birthday put an end to my "teen-age".So now I've stepped onto the(much awaiting,was it???) adult world - completely.My left foot's no more holding to the last vestige of childhood.And as I entered into this world I couldn't help reminisce the poem by Margaret Lawrence,"Am I a child or an adult?"

Am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not a child now - my dolls are gone;
My dream world has rippled away.
I am tall, I understand adult talk,
But does that mean that I am an adult ?

Am I an adult or a child ?
No ! Not an adult – I couldn’t look after myself;
The understanding is just not there.
I pay a half fare on a bus to school,
But does that mean that I am a child ?

Am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not a child now - it’s not a teddy I love;
His cherished position is taken.
Just because my toys have lost their value,
Does that mean that I am an adult?

Am I an adult or a child ?
No ! Not an adult - I do not see
The reasons for adult disputes;
I am safe in non- understanding.
But does that mean that I am a child?

Well, am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not one or the other now;
One pace in front of childhood,
And one behind an adult.
Soon I shall stride into a new world,
The world of adult life.

Well,I'm no more in a confusion ,Miss Lawrence and sadly I'm wondering if I should ever have come out of that confusion.
na...I was pretty safe in non-understanding.

Back then,when I was in school,there was too much hype about teen-age.We were having all these counseling sessions and there was this fear(amongst teachers and parents!) of how to get us through that crucial adolescent stage.Though now I wonder, I never had any problem,in fact, I was waiting with a tinge of anticipation for whatever mysteries this - neither black nor white but not widout its fair share of grey(as we were told back then) - age was going to unfold.
I was dissapointed :(

It didn't even knock and exited as silently as it had entered.

And now what should I do - mourn for its passing away?

No...it doesn't deserve anything bleak but then what can I name it?

I'll tell you how I feel(though it sounds crap even to my own ears!).I feel like Arjuna completing my gurukul (I've not yet but I ain't getting any suitable word) and stepping into the world armed with my bow and quiver full of arrows thinking I could win this world.
I'm in a state of bliss...ignorant,unaware of the ordeals life has set for me.
There's an apprehension though ,and a faint hope that I may be saved ,that I may not be bound to trod into the kurukshetra. Comeon there is enough to do without that!
At least I don't wanna face my near and dear ones with arms.
But deep down a voice reminds-Isn't that supposed to be your karmabhumi(now where did this come from?)It spake thus,"You can try but u can't evade it."

And I cry....Help me out God.Ya ya I know I shouldn't be asking him....he'll help only himself.....history'll repeat...Krishna never helped Arjuna out.Nay...he didn't.

Leave it,I'll survive somehow.

Anyways the word "safe in non-understanding" has remained with me all these years.Though I wouldn't say I didn't love the growing up part.I learnt a lot and slowly through all these years(mostly the last three years) everything opened up with a much more clarity.Finally the sun was making its way through the fog and I was being embraced by a warmth-an understanding of and about so many things.

Suddenly I looked at at the world with a little less hate,a little more forgiveness...a little less anger,a little more patience...a little less mouth(ing),a little more ear(s)...maybe a little less love but loads n loads of understanding....

I stooped down a bit lower from superlative to comparative and in some cases positive degree.There weren't many bests and ya.. neither worsts but something good and many things better.I found many answers though they were not all perfect.No doubt many more questions arose...questions which were no more simple...and so I'd to optimize the solutions.I learned acceptance,I learned to adapt and blah blah blah....

And so ends another phase of my life.